The Rambling Gypsy

PBR Brought To You By Vodka and Stitches

• The Rambling Gypsy • Season 4 • Episode 12

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Some mornings start with plans and end with emergency plastic surgery. What began as a typical day preparing for a trip to the PBR event suddenly became life-threatening when Tiffany's pet lemur Fiona launched an unprovoked attack on her face.

Without warning, the usually playful lemur transformed into a predator, leaving Tiffany bleeding profusely from facial wounds dangerously close to a main artery. The podcast takes listeners through the chaotic aftermath – from Nic's near-fainting episode to the mad dash for appropriate medical care. 

The journey continues with a vodka-fueled road trip to San Antonio, an emergency driver switch at a motorcycle shop, and finally arriving at a hospital where the staff was already expecting "the lemur attack." Listeners will laugh along as Tiffany recounts the surreal hospital experience where her attractive male nurse and friend discovered shared motorcycle interests while she bled on the table, and her German plastic surgeon immediately identified the "Diet Coke" in her cup as something potentially stronger.

Throughout the harrowing experience, Tiffany's trademark humor shines through – from her determination to still make it to the PBR event with cowboys waiting, to Nic fleeing the room when medical terms like "face flap" entered the conversation. This episode serves as both a cautionary tale about exotic pet ownership and a testament to the power of friendship, emergency contacts, and having the right specialists on speed dial.

Join us for this wild ride that proves once again that Tiffany's life truly is the ultimate "shit show" – in the most entertaining way possible. Have you ever experienced a pet turning unexpectedly? We'd love to hear your stories too!

The Rambling Gypsy podcast is a behind-the-scenes look at the lives of real Texans doing real sh*t. We're pulling back the curtains on our daily lives - and you're invited to laugh and learn along with us.

Links:
http://www.youtube.com/@TheRamblingGypsy
https://www.facebook.com/GypsyMammaTiff/
https://www.instagram.com/GypsyMammaTiff/
https://www.theramblinggypsypodcast.com/

Speaker 1:

I put a blessing on it to real. This ain't metaphoric. We just put the I in iconic, buzzing like I'm electronic. Ah, yeah, I put a blessing on it. See me dripping in it 24-7 on it. I'm just being honest. Ah, holy water dripping, dripping from my neck to my creps. So I'm too stepping on it live. Hey everybody, I'm Tiffany Foy.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to the Ramblin' Gypsy podcast, and today we are doing things a wee bit different. We are at the Frog Pond and I got my girl, nick, with me. Undisclosed location number two. Yeah, there you go. That's the perfect name for this show, for this place.

Speaker 1:

So we're going to talk about another incident, another, another accident and another tragedy in the good old gypsy life of gypsy mama here and, uh, nick has been so fortunate enough to be involved in both of them, all of them, all of them, all of the above yeah, there's so many cannot get away. There's so many of them that we haven't talked about. But, um, these are, these are pretty, pretty, um, major, um, I didn't realize how serious this one was until you didn't realize how serious it was. Well, right till I, almost, till you almost, passed out, whatever, but it, um, no, really, I didn't. I mean because you, I was so worried about you the whole time. Well, we just normally control the chaos, yeah, but when it's something I can't handle, yeah, that gets to be a bit much. Yeah, so, but no, that's when I did really realize how serious it was was when I was talking to Jen, which is our nurse friend, yeah, friend, she is.

Speaker 1:

Um, you guys have probably seen her in and out of snippets and and what have you, but she is a, a ICU trauma nurse. She's the one that does the IVs that you go into when you're having major surgery or whatever. And this girl has studied she's. She knows your arteries, she knows your veins, she knows your this, she knows your that, um, and never stops learning. She's just she's, she's that person.

Speaker 1:

And when, a rock star, yeah, when I saw her, which they came and stayed at the resort and were hanging with us and, um, I didn't tell her, we didn't tell her. And when, she's, to be fair, she had news of her own. So it wasn't like, right, you know, yeah, and but when she sat there and and talked for an hour, two hours, and change about, you were so lucky that that is you, that is your main artery, that you were next and that that's when it really kind of hit me, when I was like, oh shit, this is a professional. This was pretty freaking something, super glue couldn't handle this. Yeah, this was pretty freaking something super glue couldn't handle. Yeah, this was pretty serious. So, um, yeah, it was a well, it still is. I mean, I still have you. You can see the, the stuff on my face. We really haven't been doing a whole lot of face shots and and things just because I didn't want to blob it. But we're gonna blob it anyways. I mean, I have a podcast for a reason. It's what it is. Welcome to the shit show day in the life shit show.

Speaker 1:

I like your new sign, your new flag, right, very cute. I got some for the river and I thought you brought alcohol. I didn't see that part earlier. Yeah, that's cute. I like that. It's perfect. I thought it would be good for, definitely, the backdrop for today's deal. So here's how. So here's how this all went down. Nick and I were going out of town. We had things on the calendar we did which we all know Important things on the calendar. Y'all think me and Cal take this calendar serious. This is why we abide by the calendar at all times. I have one rule, yeah, one rule Follow the calendar. You have more than one, you little asshole, but that is one. That is her major. Yeah, if it is not on the calendar, then stretch and hydrate is a collective rule. It is, that is. We should take that a little more serious than we actually do. We do remind ourselves in a group setting, yeah, but normally our hydration of choice has some sort of alcohol in it, so it kind of counteracts. Read the sign, it's right there. Maybe when we quit having a shit show, then we'll hydrate. Oh, no, that's not gonna. No, we can be optimistic, we can manifest it, can we? I think that's what we're supposed to do. We're supposed to be journaling about it or some shit big and wishing on stars. I don't know, I cannot. No, absolutely not. That's adorable. But yeah, no, stop having a shit show. That's so cute. No, if we didn't have a shit show, I wouldn't have a job. That's called jobs to curry. You're welcome. Yeah, my entire freaking life is a fucking shit show. But yeah, so we had planned on the calendar. We were to be at PBR um, fine, four hours away. We were supposed to be driving Yep, yep, four hours away and we were meeting with some amazing people down there, and all the cowboys, all the things. Yes, first of all, it starts with Cinch. See, I can't even say it, I'm so excited. Cinch Wranglers Square to Toe Boot Company. If you don't know about them, you need to. You do now. Great people, zack United, the bull, the I mean not only get the bull by the horns, but this is, this is a whole nother. It was a fun crowd. Yeah, it was going to be a good time. Good time and it still was a good time. When we got there, finally made it, but we made it. And so here's how this went down. So Nick's on her way to the house. We're getting ready, packed, leaving. Boom. We're thinking all right, we're going to miss. Traffic is perfect, all we need. We're right on schedule. All we need is a Diet Coke. I'm on my way to go get a Diet Coke. That was my mission of the morning. Said okay, perfect, I'm on it. Bags are packed, I'll see you in 20 minutes. Yep, and everybody knows Fiona, my lemur, and she had been out, which she does. I leave the back patio door open, exactly where we're sitting, and she runs and does and and plays no leash whatever. And if you saw the snippet or the episode where we talk about where Fiona got out a couple of weeks ago, she went to go visit to the neighbors, it is what it is. So she was out running around playing. I'd just taken some pictures. Whoa we were doing, I needed, um, we need her finger shot. Oh, yep, yep, for another episode we were working on yep, because we talked about how she naturally has just a flippy offy. Yeah, that's, that's so good. She, just her flippy offy. Yeah, that's so good. She, just her flippy offy. Just stands out there or is just there all the time. Her flippy offy, her flippy offy. I turned you into a monster, it's so cute. Her little welcome greeting yeah, yeah, her little bird just flies all the time. Just her little gang sign. Yeah, you know. And so, and I get in the kitchen and out of nowhere she comes flying through the kitchen, through my arches, and decides to maul my face, attacks me. It happens so quick, so fast. I've never been one to really panic. I'd ever been one to yeah, I've taught swimming. I have whitewater, guided in rafts and 5,000 CFS. I taught swimming for 13 years, jumping into large bodies of water fully clothed, and know how to inflate your clothing to make I mean, I could go on and on and on. I just have never been really one to panic in. In a panic situation I actually do well under the pressure, completely opposite than the norm and the most during emergencies, right, and that, um, the norm and the most during emergencies, right, and that, um, there was no warning. There was no, there was no nothing. She came out of nowhere and it was when. It wasn't like she was in a bad mood that morning really either. She was just, she was playing, doing all the things she'd been. There was nothing that was different. And I had set my phone on the back of my couch so my couch in the house is kind of like a smiley face kind of deal and I had set my phone there. Well, after I finally got her off, my face blood was flying all over the place. I had no idea what was happening. This all happened in less than a minute. Yeah, I mean, it was so fast. I finally I think the dreads are honestly what really kind of saved me, because when I bent over, they had kind of fallen down and it kind of got in front of my face. Yeah, and you know I have them all wrapped up and I had just taken several pictures of her, like minutes before that had happened, of her sitting in in my hair and in my dreads and all I kept thinking about was you walking in the house with the diet Coke and her coming after you and I couldn't get to my phone and she was pacing like a lion on the back of the couch, going back and forth and just staring at me. Well, when she gets in that little, that little feisty mood, she does do the pacing kind of back and forth, but she does. She also does it like in her big yeah, when she wants to come out and play or there's excitement or you know what have you, she does her little like it's almost like antsy walk, you know she's just like, oh, there's some pacing kind of deal, yeah, but this was like lion pacing like. This was a different, yeah, attitude. I mean she stocking yes, she had blood all over her. I had I grabbed, literally, I just spun the roll of paper towels and the wad was probably that made. You saw, it was this freaking big. And I went to the guest bathroom, had it on my face. Yeah, when I walk in and I see you have a wad that's like bigger than your head I know you're not one that's an overreactor or a you know like a. Hey, there's a situation Normally you're just like ah yeah, just rub some dirt on it, brush yourself off, get back up. I got trampled by a camel, it's fine. Yeah, we'll process it a little bit later, but in the moment you're not one that's like oh yeah, bring me all the bandages and all the things and I'll figure out what I need to use. You pull what you need in the moment kind of situation. So when I walk in and you've got like freaking, well, I get ahold of the phone. Finally I get her back in her kennel. She comes at me again. She came at me one more time and I had taken a banana thrown in the kennel and you know anything for fruit snacks, you can crinkle a bag. Yeah, that's her go-to. So I got her in her kennel, shut the door and that was all I kept thinking was oh my gosh, I've got to. I've got to get to my phone, because if you walk in the door there's no telling. I didn't know what. Well, then she's going to feel extra attacked because there's two humans. So I was just wanting to get in. So I get a hold of Nick and I call her and I said, hey, so there's kind of been like a little situation Situation, I think is what you said. Yeah, yeah, I didn't even. This was more of a yeah, like you said, that was a fluctuation. It was, yeah, murder beyond murder scene. It was a mess. But I go into my bathroom but you say, oh, I think I need you to drive me to the hospital, did I? Yeah, you're like I need you, I think I need you to drive me to the hospital. So I'm like, okay, detour from the Diet Coke. Yeah, and we skirt, you know. I said, don't even worry about the Diet Coke. I was like, oh fuck, things are serious. We're not worrying about a Diet Coke right now. First of all, if y'all know me at all, things went down and so I was like, all right, cool On my way. So I'm like real quick, going like 75 miles an hour down the little, little tiny road or whatever, and I'd get to the house, walk in my bathroom, which is completely this way, and I'm getting out everything that I have got. Well, this doesn't tell me what kind of incident that it is. I think maybe fell down some stairs, scraped a knee, stubbed a toe, we got a you know, pedicure emergency. I don't know what's going on at this point. All I know is that it's serious enough to skip a Diet Coke, and that's real. And that was. Yeah, that was serious, that was a red flag if I ever see one. Yeah, and she comes in my room and I'm in the bathroom and I've got HEPA cleanse, I've got Proxide. Yeah, I'm grabbing all the things, steri-strips, I'm going. Well, we have the suture. Stuff is in the money. I hadn't gotten there yet, but I've got all these things I'm pulling out and I'm holding my face and I turn around and she's standing there and this one doesn't do blood. I look like a mood ring. I turn from the green to the purple, to the blue, to just pale, pale white, straight-ass white. I can feel it. I can feel it in my face, like there is no more blood in my face and I can't. All I can see I move my wad of paper towels. My hand is literally like poofed out, this big Well. The paper towel obviously had shrunk because it was now saturated in freaking blood. And I turned around and I'm like are you wait, are you okay? I was like you need to sit down. There's no blood getting to my brain, which means my brain cells are not working, and I just I panic, I freeze, and I'm like she's and I, she bends over and I was like you need to sit down. And on the corner of my bed I have this little tiny fan In fact it's sitting right there, a little tiny fan and I said sit down, I'm over here. You need to lay down. Am I going through menopause? Right now? There's hot flashes, cold sweats. What the fuck is happening right now? Oh, my God, I'm dying and I can't. And I was like um, you know, I think I said maybe we should call Kel. We should call Kel. I said, oh, that's a very good idea. The logic came through. I said beautiful, okay, I'm calling Kel. I'm running out the door as I'm calling Kel, because I said you know what we're going to play to our strengths. I'm gonna go get the diet Coke. And do we have vodka for this situation? I think this is definitely a vodka situation. We had none in the house and so I called Kel. I'm like hey, I need you to come over to the house. Thank God she was on the road already with Rowan, so she had the little in tow. It was an emergency situation. I don't know if he was going to be a detriment or a help in this situation, but all I knew was I was not going to be responsible any longer. So I said let me call Kel. So I called Kel, running out the door. I said hey, I need you to go to Tiff's house. She fucked up her face. Fiona fucked up her face. This is not in my job description. There's very few things that are not in my job description, but this is one of them. Directions. I don't do directions. I am passenger princess all day long. We all know it. I'm a great passenger princess. You are very good, very good, so good that anytime somebody else jumps in the passenger seat, I'm like get out. This does not work. I mean, it doesn't work. We have a routine. We know where this is going. I pull the little. She holds the steering wheel. I'll hold the steering wheel. When you're peeing in a diaper, I get the snacks. I'm good, I'm good. I look in the blind spot. I got it. You know, passenger princess is my forte. Yeah, directions are not Blood. Not Even just talking about it makes me queasy. I've got to tell Garrison to come get Hendrix. He just hushes, hushes. That's our dog, that's retarded. It's so needy Hendrix. So we go down. So I lay down, kel walks in. This one's gone and I'm worried about her. I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so panicked that I forget where the closest liquor store is. Yeah, which is literally right down the road. How panicked I am. So I called Kel back and I said, hey, I need to know what the closest liquor store is. And she apparently is stressing panicking or something too, because she tells me that it's at the end of the hill, all the way down, at the end of the fucking she's trying to send you down on Landis Street. Yes, yes, all the way, fucking, oh Lord, all the way over. And I was like, okay, fine. So I take her advice and I'm like, all right, cool. So I'm trucking, I'm going in down the road and she calls me back. She goes. Actually, I don't know what. I was thinking there's a twin liquor right there by the H-E-B's, just pulling right there, and I said, okay, perfect. So I pull into the twin liquor. I grabbed some vodkas, lots of vodkas, the biggest one that they have, cause I know I'm going to need it. If not, my face is going to need it. If you guys watch the episode where sunscreen off with baby wipes and some vodkas, I don't know what we're going to utilize it was the cucumber melon. It smelled amazing. Are you a witness to this whole crime? Hendrix is going to tell his part of the story. So, yeah, she comes back. And then I make a detour. And what do I do? I still go get the Diet Coke. Yeah, so she comes back. Vodka, diet Coke. You want me to mix the two, I will. I'm laying on the side of the recliner and Kel's like oh my gosh, oh my gosh, and I still have. We haven't gotten to the. I'm not going to say the F word yet because she y'all are going to die. So we go and we, um. I'm kicked back laying there and I said um, and Kel knows we're just like that. Everybody knows where everything in the house pretty much is, and so more so than I do usually, and that's a fact. Yeah, and to the point where I have to call them go. Anybody know where the salt and pepper is or where the? Remember, this time I tried to put it in a really special space and I hid it from myself. Do you remember where I put it? Because I have. Yeah, let me check my spreadsheet. It's on there. Yeah, no shit, she has qr codes. For my shit. It's ridiculous. I can tell you what's in the box, not even open in the box, I know it's. It's so impressive. But yeah, we um I'm kicked back laying there and so kel goes and gets a towel and we're figuring out how to flush. I'm like Kel, look, you know where the glue is, where we keep the um, the. We have to be at the PBR. We have Cowboys waiting on us. It's on our calendar Cowboys yes, cowboy butts that we're waiting on. A lot of them, oh my goodness. And so, yeah, I'm just like just glue it, just make sure that you flush it out. That was my biggest concern. Just flush it, really, really good. So I'm holding on to this part and I'm laying backwards and I'm watching Fiona and Fiona is sitting up there and this is like nothing I've ever seen before and she is covered in. This is gross. She's covered in flesh and blood and she's sitting up on her top perch and and it's just looking at me and she's licking her fingers and bathing herself fingers and bathing herself and she is looking at me like huh, I got you. And she was so proud of herself and it was insane. I don't want to say it's one of the craziest things I've ever seen, but I can tell you it was one. You know your animal's personality when they flip like that 110% and the natural side of them comes out, because obviously Fiona's a pet. Yes, she's been around people, she's been acclimated, she's been socialized, she's been all the things around kids, people. It's the same thing with dogs. Dogs will snap and the inner dog in them will come out, but it's weird to see. It's almost like a person though too, but you get to think about it. Look how many ships we sit here and watch ID and snaps and all the nonsense, and their eyes go black and the whole situation, just whatever that is that's inside of them, takes over. And it's not who you recognize, it's not what you recognize, it's not the personality that you recognize, it is a completely different situation. Yeah, it was insane. It was so quick, so fast. And so Kel's flushing at my face, she glues this part, and so Kel's flushing at my face, she glues this part and I'm laying there and I finally and I take this, my big deal off and she said, oh shit. I said, how bad is it? She said, tiffany, this is not, this is not a crazy glue situation. This is. This is bad Gorilla glue. Sponsor us, right, yeah, I, um, yeah. And I said, well, cal, I look, can't we just like patch it or something? Can't we take some tape or something that I've got Me and Nick are supposed to be gone by now? Like make it, make it go. Yeah, like squeeze it together or something, just do what you do. And she said, no, look, I have been in the ERs, I've seen all this. She said this is plastic surgery type shit. Well, it's on your face and your face heals a lot differently than anything else does on your body. There's so many more blood vessels and capillaries and things that are in your face. Yeah, talking to Jen, and she was like holy shit, so thin skin. You're so close to muscle and tendon and Arteries that I had no idea. Yeah, and arteries, we all know my veins. Oh, yeah, you have, I mean you can see. Yeah, I mean she was real fucking close, yep. So we take some pictures and I don't know if you how. I'm very close to my veterinarians, but I'm also very close with my plastic surgeon and thank God this guy is the coolest man in the entire world. There's some people you should have in your back pocket. Yes, like on speed dial. This guy is amazing. The cops, maybe Same. One of the SOs or two, yep, three, couple, four. Yes, plastic surgeon Uh-huh, some of that. One's a backhoe. Yep, I'm right here. My number's all over the web. A couple people you should have in your speed dial, in your papers list. Yeah, you should, and Special K was one of them. Special K was one of them, yeah, and so we made that call and then it was trying to. Mine was on call and then it was trying to saturday though, yeah, it's, it's not during the week, normal operating business hours, and I know hospitals are different on their hours and and things like that, but if it's a plastic surgeon, they're not there for emergency surgeries or things of that nature. We got them, we're recording. Can I have it? You want to come be on the show? It's not ridiculous, it's a necessity at this point. Thank you, yeah, we make the phone call, we send the pictures, yeah, and we of course, rhonda and we've all become very, very good friends, the whole staff, the whole office. Yes, forever and ever and ever. I'm talking years, 20 years. I've known these people, they're just amazing. And so now he's moved his office. He's Spring Branch area Office was in San Antonio forever and we're obviously in New Braunfels. And so he said, look, we've got to try to find. First. He's on the phone with kill and they're going through all the medical terminology or whatever. And I'm just kicked back. We got too much, you know too much going on for that. Nick's on the other side of the room laying flat with a fan on her face. Yeah, having a vodka and red bull or whatever. Yeah, at this point I didn't need any red bull. I already had had two in the morning and I thought I was going to fucking have a heart attack Stroke. Are we two minutes past? Is that how many? Can I say fucking, oh, yeah, we're good, we're good, so, yeah, so now we're trying to find we've got to get to a hospital. Most people just don't walk into the hospital with your own doctor. First off, we're not going to the ER, because ERs are meant to treat emergencies. They are there to patch you up and get you to stop the bleeding, but not to make cosmetically sound the prettiest results which love the ER people. They are trained to do what they need to do in an emergency to mitigate the situation, to make it as minimal impact as possible, so they can take you in for emergency surgery because you have something else going on or whatever. But they're not thinking about the longer term repercussions of okay, if I take this and connect it here this is how it's going to heal. They're just there to crisis manage for the most part, not the long term, right, and this wasn't Not pretty alive, just alive. And this, to be fair, was not necessarily a life or death situation. I mean, yes, there was a lot of blood and a lot of things and whatever else that we thought it could have been very close to a life or death, but the bleeding was, you know, clotting a little bit it was. It wasn't like a hey, it's right, you're about to bleed out situation, yeah, but you do still need to call it, cause if, if you just went to the straight ER, there's no telling, there's no telling what kind of repair they're going to have. I realized that when we did so, what we were trying to do was we had to get to a location where his credentials were valid and he had what is it called Resident, not residency. Well, well, they have like their own the hospitals that they work out or whatever, where they're I'll think of it, established or whatever. Everyone say that. But yeah, they have permissions to work in that hospital, right, right, and like check out medical supplies and things. You can't just be a doctor and go to any other doctor. They have to check your background. You can't just walk in and say here's my badge, you know right, whatever, here's my driver's license. Privileges, that's what it is. They have to have privileges in certain hospitals. So I call um, the friend of ours that is runs the entire ER at hospital here in town, and he doesn't answer. So I call his wife and I'm like hey, what are you doing? And she said, oh, nothing, I think I'm going to, I'm just going to do and I don't want to mention a whole lot, just just because. But so she's just hanging out and I said, well, I tried to call your husband. She was like, yeah, he's at some nerd convention in Ohio. Yeah, that's exactly why we all get along so well and I love them all so much. But I said she's like what's up? And I said, well, I've kind of got like a fluctuation at this point. I said, yeah, I need to get into an ER and I'm taking my doctor with me, so we kind of need to. And Kel just happens to be on the phone with the hospital and of course it's Saturday and they can't verify credentials, and so, boom, we end up going to San Antonio, where. So he says, meet me here. And so Nick is now Nick's got to drive me and Kel Love the pieces. Thank you for your service and for your help. I got some shit, I got some beef with Kel. Right now she says, okay, well, let me know if you need me. I said do you not see the condition that I am in right now, like I wouldn't let me drive? No, you look like a pale, like a scrimpy. I could see like right through your everything. You were so you were cold, sweating. I was. Your knees were sweating, my knees were sweating, my ears were sweating, everything Like I was sweating in places that I didn't know I could sweat because I was so fucking. I have a video of her so stressed. I'm laughing, hysterically laughing. Oh, I don't give a shit what you say, but we're listening to my fucking playlist and I was on an emo kick, some pop punk, you know, whatever. I'm just going to kick him back. Anytime we get in my car and I very rarely drive because, as we've established, I am a passenger princess it's been like maybe three times you've ever been in my car and I've had to drive Right. Anytime that my playlist comes on she's like what the fuck are we listening to? What is this shit? Blah, blah, blah. It's not this or that or whatever. And I was like I'm going to mom mode and I'm like I can't hear my squirrels, can't even hear themselves sing, and normally you're complaining about it's too quiet in here. So you're a silent drive and you know just speed and think about my life and my choices. So much going on. And she's I first rule. We get in the car. I said, uh-uh, don't you right now ground rules established? That is going to stress me out even more, to panic about the whole. We are listening to my music, my music, only it's on a whole little shuffle situation. I am dj right now. Yeah, I am driving and I'm also dj. We get DJ. We're on the way. We're on the way. We've got little farm to market roads that we're going in the back end. We leave out of her neighborhood and I'm already like seeing stars. I'm like mustard and mayo. Keep it between the mustard and mayo. That's all we got to do. That's all we got to do. That's all we got to do. It's only like 25 minutes away. I can do this, I can make it and I'm just like I just I have the AC full blast, full blast. I'm over here just like yum, sweating. I'm practically shipping in the car. I'm like, oh my God, like yeah, being in the pits, all the things I'm stressed out still pale, still freaking out, like we're going to have to call him back up. I'm not going to make it. No, I'm not going to make it. So we do, thank God. Yeah, we called B Brooks, my bestie. You guys have seen him on the show. Thankfully, his shop is like halfway in between, so I make it. 12 minutes down the road. I'm like I got to tap out. I called him and I said hey, look. So we kind of A fluctuation. We had a little accident here. Fiona decided she wanted to eat my face off and I texted him previous. So he knew that there was shit going down. So he knew he was ready to jump into action. He really was, thank God. He had his truck backed up and AC going and he was ready. So we parked her car. We get in there, I go to get up and tell him that we're here and so I go to try to go in the shop. He's still working, or whatever. I try to open the door, he's opening the door as I'm opening the door and I strokes completely I lose it. I'm like that is the last of the adrenaline that I have left in my body. I am going to make my story. It was take me right here. I will just just come back for me later. I don't know. I'm just right here on the sidewalk at the fucking motorcycle shop. Just go deal with that. And he was prepped, he was ready, he had the keys, he had the AC going, all the things. Thank God I did a little pass the baton situation or whatever, and tag your it. I'm just going to lay down here. Can you turn the air on? I'm flushed back here. The music vibe was well different when he was driving compared to when I was driving, thank God, when I was driving. She found it the most comical fucking situation of her life. She was over here laughing her ass off. I'm like you're going to make your face worse. Quit laughing, quit using these muscles and things all up here. Well, I tell Carol, because I have a whole tray of Coban in my bathroom and I was like, look, could you at least get me like a pretty color or maybe like a couple? She goes, I don't know where it is, I don't know what she's talking about. I go and pull out your signature teal color. So, yes, we got a little fucking bandana situation on. We go to this Over there working out jazzercise or some shit. That's what it looks like out. We go into this hospital like mini hospital type deal. First off, we went through the back entrance of a hospital on a Saturday in an ER department that I thought was fucking like. It looked abandoned. They didn't even turn the lights on. They didn't even turn the lights on. I was like what the shit? As long as they don't charge me for the lights when that bill comes in, it's right across from the fucking golf course. I said, hey, cart girl, I'm going to drink to deal with this shit. We pull up and we're like where do we, where do we go in here? Maybe, maybe this is it. We pull up and the parking lot is connected to a golf. The greens are just beautiful and I said, and I said it, nick's coming out the back. I told bia said she is going to yell over that beautiful wrought iron fence over there at the cart goal and be like hey, toss me one right here. Yeah, sure enough. First words out of her mouth. God, I hope the cart goal drives by. Oh my god, yeah. So we go in there and the lady that was in there, they walk in and there's all these disclaimers. Like you walk into this little phone booth type room. It's literally a holding cell. They have to buzz you in all the things, whatever. It's like a little sunroom because it's all enclosed in windows and things. It's hot as shit in there. There's a little receiving desk where they slide the glass open and they, who are you here for? Whatever? Whatever, she sees me and she goes oh, I know exactly who you are. We've been expecting you. We've been expecting you the lemur attack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go back there. Yeah, I think we're the only one scheduled for today. Can you not check the lemur attack, check the schedule? Yeah, fuck around. We go into this room and this nurse comes back there. Very attractive man, he was very, very attractive, very like he needs to be. The scrubs and the boots combo oh, I don't know what that was, but I don't know. But I laid, I'm laid back on the stretcher, which I can't believe they didn't have one there for you next to me. I can't believe you didn't crawl next to me. Oh, my god, did you see me first before her? The notebook story. Take me away. What's that movie? The Notebook Story, where they just die holding hands, yep, and so I'm laying on the deal. You've got to put the kids' oxygen mask on before you can help anybody else. Okay, you know the rules. Help them. Emergency exits located, lights and whatever. Yeah, exactly, yeah, exactly. And I am then this very pretty nurse, very, very salt and pepper great, yes, yes comes walking in and nick's sitting in the chair, b sitting in the chair. I'm laid up and I'm just like, oh hi, my heart's already going a million miles an hour and then we gotta have this guy. I'm like my blush no, I can't even my blood pressure no, it is not, I can't even say it. Blood pressure, first of all. We were supposed to be going to see cowboys. This guy, he could walk into my nurse's room, whatever my ER, anytime. I mean, hello, I might trip and hurt my toe later. I don't know, maybe I need a full examination. Seriously, yeah, there might be, never mind, I'm not even going to go there. I'm not going to go there. Lord Is my face? It's hot in here. My face is turning red. Shit, fuck around. I was going to say flap or five. No, we're going to. So this guy walks in and starts talking. He looks at Brooks and he says I starts talking. He looks at brooks and he says maybe, I know, you, do you look familiar? Do you do you ride? Looks like yeah, which we always assume that brooks is a music connection. Right, because he's, yeah, he's the drummer, you know, the drummer of the drummers. For all the people, everybody, when we walk into any place that has live music and everybody's like, oh, hey, brooks, you know yeah. And so just the same kid, you know, and brooks like, yeah, I, I do, and I went. What do you mean? You do you own a freaking motorcycle shop? Of course you do. Yeah, you do, and he was like man, I just knew okay. And dr mcsteamy over there is like oh, I know, I have this 1970, isn't it? The hard looks and all the things I you've? Yeah, I've been meaning to take my bike to you, or he did already. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I decided, you know, I just need to go in. I was going to do some work myself and then I need to take it back. I'm on the table bleeding to death. Nobody has any sense of urgency whatsoever. I have the insurance card and the driver's license in my hand, ready to give it to somebody who's willing to ask she's ready for her asthma machine, oxygen or whatever. We're both fucking knock me out. I'm laying there bleeding completely to death, and these two are talking about panheads and what the next interval mileage, fucking tune up means to be, and all this shit. And I'm like I said, excuse me, I hate to interrupt you too. Do we not realize that there's blood getting in? But I, over here, I'm dying. Over here right now, my girl needs a little hit of something I don't know. So I was like does anybody know where special k is that? And all of a sudden, here you hear him because he's a, I love him. He's a talker and he's loud and german, yes, german, very, very german. And he comes through there and he goes what the German? Yes, german, very, very German. And he comes through there and he goes what the fuck? And I was like, yep, I said the same thing. Oops, we did it again. So yeah, and there's. Then he asks oh, what you got in your cup? I hope it's bourbon in there. I don't know. We should disclose that, but we didn't. We haven't listed his name, we haven't. No, but anyways, yeah, it was vodka, not bourbon. But you know, and Nick, you should have seen the look on Nick's face and Brooke's face when he says that to me. And I look straight at them and they were like, how does he know Straight face lies? Maybe she can do a straight face, because it's all fucked up at this point. Oh, no, it's just Diet Coke. Just I said it's grapefruit. Oh, whatever, nobody drinks just straight grapefruit. Yeah, nobody does that. Well, he knows me all too well. Exactly, he knew there was shit in there which alcohol makes you bleed more, makes your blood thinner. So did we add to the problem? Maybe? Did it help me in the process? Also, maybe. Yeah, that's a hard yes, but we so. He's going on, he's yapping away and he's talking to the people at the hospital. No sense of urgency, nobody has any sense of urgency. I said special Kate, look, we are trying to get to the PBR. Somebody needs to kick it into gear. How much longer is this going to take? So now, now we're going to take, uh, the. I think she was like kind of like me, kind of like you, the jock of all trades. She answered the door, she buzzed the button, she peeped through the window. Now she's a nurse, now she's going to bring in all the tools. Meanwhile, mr Hoddison nurse, they're still talking engines and shit. Well, and then she starts to flourish. She said the nurse guy knew each other from back then. Then we gotta figure all that out. I don't even know. They knew each other. And then B and this other dude knew each other. Did we just walk into a sausage fest? I don't know. Seriously, now he's going to tell her how to flush my face out, and at this point I gracefully make an exit, because there's two of us that we have to treat. Now is when the other F word, the flap word, comes out. This one Loses her shit I'm about to Loses her mind. So he pulls the glue off of this side of my face and was like this will back him off. Yeah, you shouldn't have done that. You shouldn't have done that. Yeah, that was what he said. You shouldn't have done that, right, yeah? And I said, well, that's good, he rips it off. That felt amazing. Then he opens up the flap and so then they now we're trying to figure out what to do with my dreads. So I'm trying to hold up all this hair 20 pounds of it, yes. So now we're trying to find pillows so we can prop it up here. Prop it up here. I have this beehive. And so we scoot me. She's done, long gone. They pushed me all the way back and they bring in these big um, oh, I was there for the trash can situation. Okay, yeah, they bring in the big water bottles, the trash cans, they put everything, but then they're explaining how they're going to flush everything and how it's going to drain. And at that point I left. When, when Special K is like look, I know exactly what we would do. This is how you clean up a murder scene. If you were to try to deface somebody or decapitate somebody, this is how you do it, to make sure it all goes in the thing. Here's where she lost it. Here's where she lost it. She says this is how, when we do facelifts and we take their face off, this is how we dispose of the extra flaps. And all I can think of is, like Hannibal Lecter style, with the Granted special K, the most qualified human being ever to be doing this. This guy's the number one burn victim doctor in the world. He knows what he's doing. So when he's talking all this gruesome shit, he doesn't mean for it to seem insensitive or callous or whatever, but he has it down to his science and it's like it's the same thing as a mechanic just being like, hey, hand me a wrench, hand me a this, hand me a that he has the same kind of, he's desensitized to it and it's just part of his daily job. Me over here. I'm like, oh my God. He said flop four times. Yeah, he said remove the face Right, flop around and I just I'm. Here's the idea, here's the insurance. I'm taking the phone in case anybody calls and I need to answer some shit or whatever. I'm just I demote myself to receptionist at this point. I am demoted. I'll buzz people in. Demote myself to receptionist. At this point I am demoted. I'll buzz people in. I'll check the window. I've got to maintain the front, absolutely not.